the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
