cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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