Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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