you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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