Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I touched a dick in church today
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
