Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
