farters have to be the big spoon...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
