I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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