Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
