Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
