Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
