So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
