I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
In America we eat man semen.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
