finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
