just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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