Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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