Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
