Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the condom got lost in my hair
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
