I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
