I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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