He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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