she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
