That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
