I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just pee around me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
