Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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