Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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