Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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