she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
