My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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