I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
