the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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