when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
