pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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