next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
