I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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