Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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