at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
