I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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