I am midnight drunk by noon
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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