When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
