Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
