just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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