so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
