Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
