i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
