hotel room ftw
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
