every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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