No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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