I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
