I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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