So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
