grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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