I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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