There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
