Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Come share oat with me in your robe
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
