I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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